Skin deep

Ever feel like you have no idea what you’re doing?

My beauty regimen for the last seven years, at best, has been perfunctory but lazy. I haven’t bought nice things, even though my husband begs me to. I purchase the cheapest makeup because truly, I. have. no. idea. what. I’m. doing. My nails when manicured and with a full-set are awesome and I feel fashionable and sexy, but I do that once every blue moon. I don’t like to take my socks off because I’m afraid my husband will see the lack of pedicure and judge my half chipped away nail polish on my toes. He doesn’t judge me, but I do. Then again, I haven’t cared to purchase new socks either, so you’ll see a tiny toe peeking out every now and then.

When we moved, I really took stock of what I own in the way of taking care of myself and how I dress myself….mirror crying and it is minimal at best. I don’t feel attractive, therefore, I haven’t wanted to spend money on myself for nice things because I have this idea in my mind that one day I’ll get back to the size I was naturally. These extra pounds will be gone, my hair will shine instead of being frizzy and when I look in the mirror, I won’t cry.

I don’t know that I can keep waiting for that day though, for a couple of reasons – one is my husand, he deserves the best I can be. Another is that if I don’t love who I am today, will the person I’m hoping to be ever come to fruition?

That leaves me with this, I still don’t know what I’m doing. It’s amazing to me that women around the world know how to donoidea2 their hair and makeup to be stunningly beautiful and here I am with a glass of wine on the counter, a curler in one hand and mascara in the other wondering what I am doing wrong.

One of my best friends is a makeup consultant/stylist/Professional, seriously, with a capital P. When she taught me how to do my eyebrows it didn’t just change my face, it changed my world – that seems silly but it’s true. The shape of our eyebrows can dynamically change how we look and I was just letting mine do their own thing there – like Sasquatch.

I struggle with wanting my makeup and hair to look magnificent rather than as if I were a model for the Derelicte line from Zoolander, but that is just skin deep. There is more to this than floundering in the land of Sephora and Ulta, it’s clothes, it’s my weight and for the last year it has just felt overwhelming as I tried, really tried, to lose the depression weight but it just wouldn’t budge. When the pudge won’t budge … amiright?

In my family, my siblings and I are all pretty close and we talk openly about most things, but one thing that I’ve only taken notice of recently is that two siblings in particular, actually, they are the only fit ones… they talk to me about my weight, a lot. I know that their intentions are good, they know that I miss being slender and that I’m unhappy with my weight. It just seems that it is always being brought up and alternatives to my diet, or new fad diets are being mentioned. I hate fad diets.

I am a vegetarian and I do love the Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead method of juicing vegetables. I want to yell it to the world that I don’t eat BADLY .. I’ve just been through a whole hell of a lot and apparently my body decided it should pack on pounds in order to protect itself. Can a scientist or expert in some area vouch for this? Depression weight is not like over-eating weight. It’s stubborn and it’s vindictive. It taunts you in the mirror and getting rid of it feels like moving mountains.

Always afraid of failing, I observed and never did. Watching someone else do something well isn’t the same as trying and learning yourself.

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