This week has been a blur. I’ve had appointments, meetups with family and friends, hardly any time at home, and it has been wonderful. So many changes are going on with me, and my family, that I find myself gazing into the future instead of this constant focus I’ve had on the past. What a relief that is.
Our character, basically, is a composite of our habits. Because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character and produce our effectiveness…. or ineffectiveness. – The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
My habits over the last seven years have been awful. Wake up in pain, focus on pain, eat breakfast, focus on pain and sadness, do hardly anything, focus on my past, eat dinner, drink wine, sigh deeply and dread tomorrow. The thing is, twice in the last seven years when I’ve worked at a job, my days were pretty great. Having a daily routine and having responsibilities didn’t allow me time to focus so heartily on my pain, sadness, or my past. Both of these jobs offered a respite from the daily onslaught of my bad habits. Unfortunately, by the end of most days, sometimes midway through I was panic-ridden, sweating profusely, slurring my speech, and simply trying to focus through tunnel vision.
Over the last two weeks, I’ve been pushing myself to fight, to change my mind in order to change my life and this quote hits the nail on the head. My character, who I’ve been for the last seven years is completely made up of my habits. I stopped being outgoing, I stopped going out, I stopped talking to friends and family, I shut myself down tightly in order to protect what was left of me.
Comparing and contrasting my habits and my character from before ::and by compare and contrast I don’t mean my little stick figure example:: to what they have been for the last seven years is terribly sad. I lost my innocence, I lost the part of me that was mine to give, and I thought I had to bury the rest of me with it in order to survive, but that isn’t true. It’s a lie that seems to come with being abused, you believe the worst of yourself. You believe that you aren’t worth loving, and that the world is better off without you, but it is a lie. It’s worth the fight to rebuild yourself, and make yourself stronger. My next brick is simple, I’ll admit my innocence was stolen from me, okay, fine. As I no longer have that, I’ll rebuild where it used to be with strength and grit
It is satisfying knowing that for a brief point in time you made a difference. – Irene Natividad
Dreams are renewable. No matter what your age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within you and new beauty waiting to be born. – Dr. Dale E. Turner
New beauty waiting to be born, I love that. I think of my sister when I read this. She is in a place where the man she’s married to has stomped out the light, torn down the dreams, and filled her ears with negativity, judgement, and ridicule of her, and our family. I wish I could have a conversation with her where I say…. “hey love, your dreams, they are still there, they are still huge, and you can still chase them down, but not while he is crushing your spirit.”
She is an absolute beauty, but she has withered under negativity, I can see the pain of emotional hurt etched in her face. I’ve been there, I was in a relationship so similar and she was the one who rescued me from it, why is it, that I haven’t been able to rescue her?
When I left the last bad relationship my mom or maybe my dad said to me “ditch the zero and get a hero.” Same to you my twin.
The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we stand, as in what direction we are moving. – Goetbe
I’m moving towards strength, rebuilding, and I’m scared, but I’m not terrified of failure like I used to be. If I fail today, I try again tomorrow. If I fail tomorrow, I try again the next day. Success doesn’t happen without failure, consider how many IOS updates we get over the year. Kidding, but since I’m on that analogy I’ll just stick with it, my life is an iPhone: the upgrades make me better each time.