A little stronger

Yesterday was a hard day. A migraine that wouldn’t ebb was the leading cause but then I got frustrated. It is so exhausting, like, to my bones, to try to stay positive and hopeful when I want to crumble.

I forced myself to breathe, breathe, breathe through it and then I had a flash, I thought about the future, more specifically, future me. I could see myself coaching a kid’s soccer team, ::I have no idea the rules of soccer, much less how to coach a team:: and my hair looked great. I was blowing a whistle, smiling, and I could see that I was done with this dark mess that is inside me right now. It felt like less than 15 seconds that I went from wanting to call out of the day and take to my bed that I had a rush of what I imagine is adrenaline and I thought – keep moving forward.

Each of us has many, many maps in our head, which can be divided into two main categories: maps of the way things are, or realities, and maps of the way things should be or values. We interpret everything we experience through these mental maps.”  – The 7Habits of Highly Effective People.

Reading this, I feel like I haven’t been thinking hardly at all for the last seven years. I’ve been coping, just trying to get through a day. What is obvious to me, is that my maps direct me to avoid all contact with people for fear of getting hurt or humiliated. If I think about my realities from seven years ago versus the realities I experience today, there is a vast difference.

For example, seven years ago, I was isolated by my then boyfriend. He did not want me to have others in my life, including my family. I was to go to work, come home, make his dinner, put him to bed at 7:30 and clean for the rest of the night so that when he woke up his world was squeaky perfect. I could never clean well enough and there was always a list by the time I got home that needed to be done. A 30 minute lesson on how to vacuum to get the lines in the carpet correctly, then a shove into the wall afterward because I had wrapped the vacuum cleaner cord the way the manufacturer intended – but it wasn’t the way that he liked it. He was very convincing, I believed him that I was the problem, even though my heart ached that this couldn’t possibly be love.

::Something happens when you are in an abusive relationship… almost that if you are in it, you can’t see it. There is no logical explanation for why someone would stay when every day is a bad day, but it happens::

Leaving him was the best decision I had made up to that point in my life. The second it was done I felt free from chains that I hadn’t realized were on me. I cried from relief for weeks. My realities today need to shift to what is truly around me, not be based on what was my life seven years ago.

Just as there are no little people or unimportant lives, there is no insignificant work. – Elena Bonner

 

The greatest achievement was at first and for a time a dream. The oak sleeps in the acorn; the bird waits in the egg; and in the highest vision of the soul a waking angel stirs. – William James – To Your Success

 

Your hopes, dreams and aspirations are legitimate. They are trying to take you airborne, above the clouds, above the storms – if you will only let them. – Dan Zadra – To Your Success

Not only are my hopes, dreams and aspirations legitimate. I am legitimate. Even though things in my past have made me feel like I am not. I have felt like I am not worthy of love, of life even. This is changing. I am. You are. All of us are. I have a dream to be free from my past, I have aspirations to do something great with this life. I don’t need to forget my past, but I do need to not live in it anymore. I need to dream of what I want and fight for it to take root. I will fight for this, for my freedom from the bondage of depression, panic, and pain. I will get stronger.

Get stronger. Be a fighter for yourself. Raise your arms and stand a little taller today. Fight with fervor for the right to make your life what you want.

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