Eyes to the sky

Tuesday. It is gray and overcast in Seattle today, I love gray days though… and I like the rain, this is my perfect city. I have a lot of things that I need to do today, like actual HAVE-TO’s that I’m feeling a small glimmer of excitement about. Small glimmer, but still a glimmer.

1. Lunch with a friend that has been out of town – normally I would flake out at the last minute, but this time I’m doing it. I have reset my lens that I’m looking at the world through and I’m thankful that I have a friend who wants to have lunch with me, I’m going to embrace it.

2. Bake cookies for my brother who is off at training. A care package, if you will. With a new perspective I spent some time thinking about my whole family, and he is someone who reminds me so greatly of our dear dad, but have I ever told him that? Have I told him how much respect I have for him? How much he is loved by our family? These little things we think each other knows, but as of this weekend’s quote “You never know when a moment and a few sincere words can have an impact on a life.” – Zig Ziglar. I want to start opening up to those that I know love me, I feel like starting to open up …is making my heart lighter.

aaaaaaand that’s all on my short list, it’s two steps up from laying on the couch and watching Netflix all day, so for me, on day 6 or so – this is my version of kicking ass and taking names.

To focus on technique is like cramming your way through school. You sometimes get by, perhaps even get good grades, but if you don’t pay the price day in and day out, you never achieve true mastery of the subjects you study or develop an educated mind. – The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

This one is a little more difficult for me to translate to my own situation… I do believe that when you’re panic-stricken, in a black hole of depression, the basic technique of being able to cope every day just to get by is your saving grace at some points. However, to pull ourselves out of this, we do need to master our own minds. I needed medication initially in order to calm my panic enough to start therapy, I don’t think it is shameful to take medication for panic, depression, PTSD, these are conditions that if you haven’t experienced it … you can’t know how difficult it truly is to even get out of bed on some days, yet we beat ourselves up for it and we are embarrassed to admit medication sometimes. I feel stronger without medication, weaning off of it was one of the most horrible experiences though, withdrawals are painful. We have to get by, but mastering our mind and our bodies to become healthier, stronger, happier – that is my goal.

The thoughtful little things you do each day have an accumulated effect on all our tomorrows. – Alexander Stoddard

I do believe that thoughtful little things we do for others has  a great and wonderful effect on us, it feels amazing to do things for other people, but what thoughtful little things do we do for ourselves? On days that are very hard for me, my husband is always in my ear saying “do something for yourself, take a hot bath, relax, candles, bath salts, take a nap, go treat yourself to a chai… etc” I’m pretty sure he has a list that he keeps on hand.. but he’s right. The problem is that I give myself a lot of grief for having a hard day, I beat myself up that I should be better, it seems so easy for other people, why do I have pain???? When he is home with me, I’m not able to beat myself up, he takes it out of my hands and will take me out for coffee, gently push me into a hot shower, then he’ll cuddle with me on the couch – foregoing what other plans he might have had. On my next hard day, I’ll try to do a thoughtful thing for myself, let’s see if the cycle of self-flagellation can be interrupted.

I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past. – Thomas Jefferson – To Your Success

I want the dreams of the future, I’m really trying to think of what my dreams are, but I draw a blank right now. I’ve been so focused on the past and the time that I’ve lost, seven years, to this panic and depression. My history is so convoluted, messy, awful, scary, and sad that I feel if I take my eyes off of it, it might rear it’s ugly head and attack again. It’s like in a movie, the bad guy gets shot, laying on the floor dying but the good guy turns his BACK on him before taking the gun away from the bad guy… and blammo. Bad guy is able to hold his hand up for one last shot at the good guy and …. usually a side kick or love interest saves the good guy’s life, but what if I don’t have a side kick there? I. Just. Can’t. Close. My. Eyes.

I’m not even saying that I’m a good guy, but the bad guys in my past haunt me, will it stop? If I start to make dreams for my future, can I actually step out of my past? As I type this, I realize I’ve been holding onto my past to keep myself safe, but what if that is what has been detrimental about it?

I will start to dream, even if it is simply writing out a bucket list, I need to let go.

To look up with unquenchable faith in something ever more about to be. That is what any person can do, and be great. – Zane Grey – To Your Success

Don't look back

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