Case of the Mondays? Just say nope.

This morning was uncharacteristic of most mornings in our home. My husband was the one with the migraine and I was feeling snuggly in bed but ready to start the day. I left him to rest and made the coffee and our breakfast.

With the early morning light, the smell of coffee, and the feeling that this is how I would prefer to start my mornings, I started to think about my dad. He was usually the first one up, he was the only one that drank coffee in our home when we were kids, and he woke up every day with such an amazing grace and endless love for life and everyone in it. I want to be like he was. He would also take a walk every morning and every morning that I go and run, I know that he would have loved to be right beside me.

If I try to use human influence strategies and tactics of how to get other people to do what I want, to work better, to be more motivated, to like me and each other – while my character is fundamentally flawed, marked by duplicity and insincerity – then, in the long run, I cannot be successful. My duplicity will breed distrust, and everything I do – even using so-called good human relations techniques – will be perceived as manipulative. – The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

whoah. Now, while I do think my character is flawed, I’m not a duplicitous person or insincere, but I know a few of them. They’re lurkers, they’re in our families, friends, co-workers, ex-boyfriends. We have one in particular that married into our family under the pretense of wanting to change himself, change his life, to be a better person, but it was all a facade. Deceitful, insincere, and manipulative – these traits really equal out to a narcissist with a personality disorder, I know a few of them. The saddest part of 3 – pronged bastards like this are the people that get damaged in their wake. Cutting off relationships with the 3-pronged a-hole extraordinaire is the only way to start recovering from the broken promises, and lies that they’ve woven into your life. My life. Our lives.

It’s the little things in life that lead to the big. – Rose Zadha

I agree. So far it’s only day 5ish for me, but the little things I’ve started to incorporate into my life have been having a pretty big payoff. It might not seem like much to most people, but when I change my thought structure back to day 2 and to change the lens through which I see the world – my entire day changes. I can choose to have negative thoughts – or I can choose to meditate, breathe, and come out on a positive note. The less negative my thoughts are each day, the better my next day feels. I can keep working at little things and maybe one day, the big thing it leads to will be my life depression-free, pain-free, and on it’s way to thriving. I physically survived traumas, I survived assaults, but mentally and emotionally I broke down – now it’s time to rebuild. Each little thing I do is like a brick in rebuilding myself, what I have survived makes me stronger if I choose for it to. So that first assault can consider itself the foundation of my new sturdy-mother-effing-fortress. Thank you Rose Zadha – my little bricks will build a fortress.  :Note: I will be having parties at the fortress, everyone is invited, b.y.o.b.

Dreams come a size too big so that we can grow into them.  – Josie Bisset – To Your Success

This makes me think of my sister, my twin that isn’t a twin. She has always had the biggest dreams, she’s like our mom in that way. She was always full of happiness, and hope for the future so bright. That was until the man we-shall-not-name came thundering in and trampled on those hopes and dreams, and her in the process. I digress.. but I have a hope that soon she’ll close that door and open the door back to her dreams and future. When I was chatting with her the other day I wanted to just squeeze her and take the pain, and the hurt, and the damage he’s done and put it on to me. I’m already damaged. Can I take this so that she doesn’t have to? Please?

What if I could take the emotional pain from the situation onto myself so that she could see clearly what is being done to her? Most of the time we can’t see it when we’re in it – we don’t feel the pain that’s truly there until we leave because we have to be strong through the situations. :Note: This is not a physical abuse problem, this is a narcissist with self-importance the size of a kumquat. Larger than a kumquat actually, but I like the word.

Anyway, her dreams were so big  when she was so little – imagine a beautiful red-headed kiddo trying on the glittery Ruby Red slippers probably 10 sizes too large. Her dreams were huge and she’s always been capable of achieving them, she just needs the right support. I need dreams that big – maybe she and I can chase these down together.

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead. – Louisa May Alcott – To Your Success

 

Nope

 

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