Drive

 

“I lost my drive.” That’s what I thought to myself this morning. I’ve known it for a long time and thought about it in passing over the last seven years, but this morning it felt real and it felt sad.

We must look at the lens through which we see the world, as well as at the world we see, and understand that the lens itself shapes how we interpret the world. – The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

When I read this it struck me how awful the lens is that I see the world through. My lens used to be trusting, excited, and hopeful. When my world shifted, that lens got dinged up, broken, and stomped on. I see the world now through a lens that is scared, distrustful, panic-stricken, and depressed, but I get it. Changing the way I choose to see the world and those around me is something I can work on. Instead of thinking of the glass as half-full or half-empty…. I’ll just start focusing on what content is in the glass, not how much or how little there is.

If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. – John Gale – To Your Success

True. One of the problems with my panic attacks was always that I couldn’t imagine a future. I felt that my death was imminent and I was terrified. I could not even consider having children because I had this fear that I was going to faint or die as I randomly walked down the street, how could I care for a child if I’ve passed out?  As I’ve started my climb out of panic and am working on moving out of depression, I find myself wanting things for my future, like this entire process. I want a better life for myself, my husband, and my family and I’m willing to work on getting myself into a good place, no matter how long that takes.

if you don’t have a dream, how can you have a dream come true? – Faye LaPointe – To Your Success

I’m starting to have dreams. Happiness is a dream, peace from panic, nightmares to end. A day without pain. I have a million things running through my head, but I feel content that I am beginning to desire this. I had given up seven  years ago on having a happy life. I think that acceptance of my fate being out of my hands did more damage than I could have imagined.

Your past is not your potential. In any hour you can choose to liberate the future. – Marilyn Ferguson – To Your Success

Yes, YES, and YES! I want to choose to liberate my future! That is what I NEED. How do I tell the emotional side of my brain this? My past haunts me in my sleep and in my waking hours. How…do…I….choose…. to liberate my future? Why isn’t there a guide?

People who deal with life generously and large-heartedly go on multiplying relationships to the end. – Arthur Christopher Benson

I know those people.. I’m related to them. My folks, my husband, my siblings. All of them have this down-pat while I’m over on a life boat waving for help… yet hiding from brunch, while everyone on the yacht enjoys mimosas.

For the good of growth I’ll admit that I’ve had a hard time making new friends and multiplying relationships because I’m scared of rejection, terrified of making a fool out of myself, and worried sick that they’ll see what happened in my past and think that I’m as worthless as I feel. Phew. Breathe. That run-on sentence just needed to come out.

It’s Day 2. When I had a negative thought today, I paused. In that pause I thought back to yesterday – today I wanted to make the world more special by being good to those that I encountered. For instance, it was the first red cup day of the season at Starbucks. I normally just keep my “order-voice” terse and short so that I’m not inviting conversation, but today, when asked how my day was going I made eye contact, I smiled, and I said it was good. I asked the cheery barista how his day was going and found that I actually wanted to know.

I’m going to get my drive back, it’s going to happen.

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